It depends on who you're asking. A man who recently got dumped by his girlfriend for his best friend (whom she had been cheating with) will probably say that the relationship played a significant role in his life because he got hurt so bad by it. In other words, he would claim that the relationship would not be significant at all because it was hardly a "relationship". However, if you ask a man who had a wife that loved him as much as he loved her after she tragically dies in a car accident what he thinks, he would probably say that he is hurt because their relationship meant the world to him.
According to Andreas Capellanus' The Art of Courtly Love, suffering can result from love in another situation. This situation is when a man devotes his time going after a woman who doesn't love him back. He says that this is the most painful situation (similar to the first example i proposed) because "his efforts are accomplishing nothing". If nothing is accomplished, then obviously no real relationship is ever established. Because the experience ends in "nothing", how can the experience be significant. By this it seems evident that Andreas Capellanus feels that an experience with love is significant because it hurts us because, ultimately, he thinks that love will always bring somebody pain at some point.
I, however, do not have much experience with love. The only real relationship I ever had though left me very hurt, and I ended up with a similar mindset that that portion of my life was significant only because it hurt me so much, and i could learn from it. From that experience, I convinced myself that investing too much emotional attachment to once person just sets you up for greater suffering when that person goes away. So, I decided to put off love for a while. Maybe in the future though, I will meet somebody that can change my ideas of this.
I like that you bring up examples where the relationship itself "accomplishes nothing" yet remains significant, because this will be true of most loves (many relationships end, and in courtly love in particular, do not need to lead anywhere). But that doesn't mean they can be dismissed as unimportant, so I agree with your idea that pain can make a love significant because of its effect on you, which takes the focus off the need for the relationship to actually "accomplish" something outside of affecting your personal feelings.
ReplyDeleteI think you had really good examples but I have a question for you. You said your relationship was only significant because it caused you pain so therefore you believe relationships are only significant because they hurt us. But do you think it would have hurt you so much if you if you hadn't really cared about the girl? Maybe the reason it was so painful was because you cared about the relationship so much and if it hadn't been so significant it wouldn't have hurt you so much. I don't know how significant your relationship was so I can't judge that for you, it just seems to me that the reason the people we love are able to hurt us so much when they leave is because they are so significant to us before they cause us pain, not after.
ReplyDeleteYour point about how the question is answered differently depending on the person you ask is very interesting. Its interesting to consider how all different types of people with different relationships see this question. I also liked how you incorporated your own life when answering the question and it added to your argument.
ReplyDeleteAs you say, investing too much in a devoted relationship can lead to suffering if it doesn't work out. It's a risk that some take, and some don't. Given the pain involved, why do some people bother? Why do some people bother over and over again, looking for that perfect someone?
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